I have been grappling with religion for as long as I can remember. I was told by my own church’s teachings that I am unworthy, a sinner, and I cannot be saved. In order to truly be in full repentance, I must give up every part of me and follow what the church tells me. I’ve never found a church that has said, “We will accept you the way you are.” There have always been conditions and there will always be that one thing that says, “Your being is wrong.”
I want to be accepted by God and I want to be wanted. But grappling with the fact of not being good enough is hard. My whole life has been me feeling like all this is meaningless, and I don’t need an institution to confirm my fears.
I so long to be forgiven. For years and years, I feel like I have been shunned by God, not privy to the prayer line up to Him. I feel like He abandoned me, and gave me a load I can’t handle. Why does my brain have to work the way it does? Why was I given a weight that I can’t shake? How do I cope with this stupid thing?
Can I ever really be forgiven?
Life in a Little Box 