White Supremacy. What Can I Do?

Recently in headlines, I saw a news article about Iggy Azalea’s response to being called out by Macklemore’s new release “White Privilege Part 2.” Of course, like any curious consumer of entertainment, I wanted to find out more. After listening to the song and reading the accompanying lyrics so I was sure not to miss anything, I got to thinking, “What can I do to make sure my white privilege doesn’t get in the way?” I’m no politician or protester. I’m a mom and wife. I work a part-time job and I’m a college student. What will my voice accomplish?

Since last Monday was Martin Luther King Jr. Day, my son has been learning about King in his kindergarten class. My husband and I sat and talked with him one night about what he learned. He said King was fighting for equality for people who were black and that someone had shot him. Brad asked Cael, “Did you know that it used to be that if you were a different skin color from me, I couldn’t be friends with you?” Cael’s reply floored me and left me proud: “But that’s silly! [Child] is my best friend at school and he has different skin.” I know that isn’t the biggest thing in the world, but to me, knowing that Brad and I have gotten a crucial piece of kindness to him means the world to me.

I try to make sure that I treat everyone I come across with the same dignity and respect that I wish to be treated with myself. I know the stereotypes but really, if we believed all of them, we could never get to the true person underneath. It makes me sad that all people see is what they want to see. They see a young black man being shot by a white police officer in the street, but do they know the whole story? They see news stories of black-on-white crime, but what about the white-on-white crime? Does anyone really know the statistics?

What more can I, as my insignificant self, do?

The All-Terrifying

I have been grappling with religion for as long as I can remember. I was told by my own church’s teachings that I am unworthy, a sinner, and I cannot be saved. In order to truly be in full repentance, I must give up every part of me and follow what the church tells me. I’ve never found a church that has said, “We will accept you the way you are.” There have always been conditions and there will always be that one thing that says, “Your being is wrong.”

I want to be accepted by God and I want to be wanted. But grappling with the fact of not being good enough is hard. My whole life has been me feeling like all this is meaningless, and I don’t need an institution to confirm my fears.

I so long to be forgiven. For years and years, I feel like I have been shunned by God, not privy to the prayer line up to Him. I feel like He abandoned me, and gave me a load I can’t handle. Why does my brain have to work the way it does? Why was I given a weight that I can’t shake? How do I cope with this stupid thing?

Can I ever really be forgiven?

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3 AM

Yeah, I still have no idea how I’m still awake. I’m not sure if I’m too lazy to put my freshly cleaned sheets on the bed or if YouTube’s treasures are just being too enticing. Either way, I’m still up. And listening to Babymetal. I have no idea how I got here. Oh yes, that’s right, I’m supposed to be watching my husband stream Runescape. If you feel like watching too, the URL is http://www.twitch.tv/auron977

I think I’ll just get my tired ass to bed now… Before the Rick Rolls start showing up.

The Drama Created By Others

I can’t believe how manipulative some people can be to those who genuinely care for their family. I have been used by many people but it always affects me most when it is by the parent of a child in my care. It is despicable to find out that they are not the lovely caring parent you thought they were. It’s difficult to find out that the lies concerning the “happy marriage” and the fact that the children are starved for attention and showing signs of aggression all stem from one neglectful parent. Sure, the smiles and hugs come out when you pick your child up but what actually happens at home? Do the kids sit in front of the TV while you spend time with your new squeeze instead? Are you taking them to daycare when you actually have no job, do not attend school, and leave your home to ruin? 

It is people like this that make me wish I could adopt all the hurt, abandoned, hungry, and emotionally neglected children of the planet. No child should suffer at the hand of their own parent. Luckily, when the child is with me, I make sure he gets all the attention and love he deserves and steer his not-so-desirable behavior in a positive direction. All he needs is a few words of praise and a hug for a job well done. That’s not difficult at all. Why can’t the parent do that as well?

An Abandoned Blog Is A Sad One

Oh, my poor blog. I’m so sorry for the neglect.

School, work, and life in general are keeping me busy, as per usual. Well, who am I kidding? Netflix sucks up the majority of my free time. I just finished “Call The Midwife” and was absolutely sobbing over it. Shame on me.

I made it out of my first semester back at school with a stunning 3.58 GPA and the promise of summer classes looming ahead. Now I’m almost finished with Chemistry (God, I hate that class). Sciences have never been my strong point. Social sciences, on the other hand, are totally manageable. 

My train of life is somewhat derailed but we’re still chugging along as best we can. My husband quit his job back in January to pursue…gaming, as a profession. Needless to say (though I’ll say it anyway) this is NOT working out. Smarty Pants didn’t pay attention to the fact that I was making minimum wage on only 25 hours per week while attending school. I am now working two jobs (both daycare) while he sorts out finding a new job. It couldn’t come soon enough. I’m at wit’s end, what with bills, Cael’s allergies coming to no end, and my own personal demons. I need peace of mind in at least one area of life…

I am still wishing and still waiting for my moment to shine. It doesn’t seem far off now. I’m nearly there.

Big Decisions And Bigger Dreams

I have finally decided that after two years of idleness, I am going to continue my education! This week has been a rough one with my husband training for his job 4 hours away and my esteem plummeting through the earth’s crust. But I think that having my degree can get me that oomph I need to succeed in my chosen career field.

What is my chosen career field? Child and family development, of course! I love kids. I want to have an in-home daycare with kids from birth to two years old in there. Not a huge operation, but enough to support my family and fulfill my dream of caring and nurturing children to prepare them for school on a larger scale, while keeping it affordable for parents. Infants and toddlers are very expensive to care for at the moment and most daycares charge over $150 for a child under the age of 24 months. I want to help parents out but still provide quality care for their child(ren). I’m ready to get started, though I know it will take a lot of time and money. And a house… But we’ll get there eventually 🙂

 

What Do You Say?

If you read this post, I want to know your opinion. Would you want to know if a complete stranger was being abused by their spouse? Would you care? What if it wasn’t even physical abuse, and no visible marks were made? Should that person just “grow a pair” or “suck it up and take it”?

What do you think, reader?

Han

Have you ever heard of that word, han? I came across it while watching The West Wing on Netflix tonight. A Korean pianist wanting asylum was denied, and he told the president about the Korean word “han” and played Chopin’s Prelude No. 4. I looked it up and Wikipedia gave me this:

Han denotes a collective feeling of oppression and isolation in the face of overwhelming odds. It connotes aspects of lament and unavenged injustice. . . a “feeling of unresolved resentment against injustices suffered, a sense of helplessness because of the overwhelming odds against one, a feeling of acute pain in one’s guts and bowels, making the whole body writhe and squirm, and an obstinate urge to take revenge and to right the wrong—all these combined.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Han_(cultural))

It seems like I have felt han quite a lot in my life, especially in the past 12 days. It hurts to know that the world is so harshly against you and you will be struck down, it’s just a matter of when.

But I found a light in my tunnel of despair. I was hired by another daycare. Though it doesn’t contain the friendly faces and the kids I know and love, I am already starting to feel like I could be at home here. The wound from my abrupt end of the greatest job I have ever had still hasn’t healed, and it hurts even now just thinking about it. I still lie awake at night, thinking about the children I may never see again… I know I will pick up the pieces in time and now I am focusing on me. I can do this.

And she, the creator of my han, cannot hold me back this time.

Life Coming To A Stand Still…Or So It Seems

I haven’t posted because…well, I haven’t had the will to post.

Yeah, life looks like it sucks.

I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel and tennis elbow, and after weeks of pain, injections, an EMG, and two doctors notes saying I couldn’t work at my job in the kitchen anymore (but *could* work in a classroom), I was fired by my ever-so-lovely boss.

Yep, unemployment. Oh, and my son was kicked out of daycare too. Can’t forget that.

I have been filling out applications and turning them in like nobody’s business. I’ve completed 6 and turned them all in, with son in tow. Sadly, with all of my job search I fell more behind on housework and boring things so I guess I’ll do that tomorrow. Today, my son and I visited a new daycare for him to attend. Not gonna lie, I totally expected what normally happens in new situations for my little Booger: the whining, clinging, crying, pleading, shyness… But he always surprises me! He jumped right in after the teachers introduced themselves and asked his name. He played with phones, blocks, cars, and dramatic play materials all in ten minutes. When he moved to an area where a teacher and a few friends were making a road and town with smaller blocks, I told him that I was going to go talk to the lady at the front desk and that I’d be back in just a few minutes. He just made a motion like, ” Bye, see ya.” Dude, I know you’re a “big kid” and all but this independence kills me sometimes.

I went up to talk to the director and what she said was music to any parent’s ears, especially one who has worked in child care. The children stay with the same teacher until they turn three. The rooms are under ratio, not because they ran out of kids to put in them, but because they want smaller classes so the children can have more space and more bonding with their teacher. Development screenings are administered two weeks after the child enrolls and a parent-teacher conference happens twice per year. They don’t force a child into a learning center, they encourage them to try them all but if the child wants to do writing the can, if they don’t want to, they don’t have to. They are affordable. They don’t jump to punishment or using the word “no” when a child acts wrongly, they try to help the child correct the behavior by finding the underlying cause. They don’t take kids who are throwing fits to the director’s office because “that breaks the trust between teacher and child” and can make the child feel as if the teacher has given up on them. The teachers work with the child. They don’t dismiss them or label them. They HELP. I nearly cried when she told me all of this. I was overwhelmed. Never before had I seen a center that worked so hard for the child’s needs, instead of just making money. It is amazing! And my shy little boy did not want to leave!

I know that this period of struggle will come to an end (hopefully sooner rather than later), but it’s hard at this moment. As I was clearing out my garden yesterday to prepare for the cold weather coming, I saw my rose bush bloomed a gorgeous rose.

Rose

 

It made me stop. I know, even though I’m not particularly prayerful anymore, that despite what Satan (or a certain employer), throws at me, God still has some beauty to reveal. I see that in my wonderful and supporting husband, my best little boy, and the mountains and masses of family and friends I have that are standing by me, whether in body or spirit.

“I will not bow, I will not break, I will shut the world away, I will not fall, I will not fade, I will take your breath away.”  — Breaking Benjamin

Small Vacations Are The Best

This weekend I got to see my parents, family, and best friend! I love these little visits because it’s a chance for me to go back in time almost. I stay in my old room, looking through pictures and talking with my mom about the past. I cherish this immensely.

Now I get to share this with my son! He lives visiting Nana, Papa, and his aunt. They play cars on his road rug and playing with Max, their dog.

We ate lunch with my two best friends from high school today before we had to leave again. Ten minutes after arrival, this happened:

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Poor sleepy booger butt! He didn’t even get to eat his cheese quesadilla! I love this boy!